My Unbelievable Story. Cancer Side Effect Resources Fibromyalgia Info
I'm grateful for this day. It's always a choice between making memories and just getting through it. Long before I am gone, these days will be gone... Someday all we will have is what we remember so live life with purpose, direction and creativity - no matter how small the event may be- make it spectacular!
on March 21 2011 I was diagnosed with cancer , not quiet 3 years after recovering from a stroke and losing my husband. I hopped onto the 'daisy path' to take this next life journey and share my story. Some days are better than others- cancer makes you face your mortality. You lose friends because they have to face theirs. Stop in and share your story, I'm a good listener.
Life won't rush us regardless of what we think. It brings each good moment as well as the tragedies. When the time comes that we can take it.
Trust that life will flow when you are ready to accept it, fight it or love it!~L
when I was going through my hardest chemo I felt like they were killing me. All I could do was stare through my glassy eyes and endure the hell. I couldn’t escape it, I couldn’t die. I would breathe and think of my field of daisies and throw up and sleep and freeze and sweat and lose weight from not eating until days and weeks and weeks went by and one day I woke up and looked around and thought ” no shit, I made it.” Everyone going through hell has a day when their trip ends. I hope yours is quicker than my last one was. You don’t even have to have faith if you haven’t the strength for that - thats the beauty of it. You just have to show up. That is the secret…
somedays when I feel that I’m winning
but I fear
can I handle this?
this new reality that cancer has carved out for me?
I have to refocus on my original goal
to live though this nasty triple negative cancer attack
oh no!I forgot to mention my desire for some basic needs
of which I cry in desperation for now… but it worries me
will the God of cancer hear me and revoke my reprieve?
I think I will just choke down my meds and raise my hands and continue to give thanks
His wrath scares me more than the pain
I finally understand the beginning of religion.
I remember waiting to go in for my appt with my breast surgeon when she would talk us about my cancers pathology. I had spent the 40 minute drive to her office talking like I was coked out from nervousness and
I said to Kirk ”worse case scenario will be triple negative with my genetics test coming back BRCA 1+” It’s like universe served me up my biggest nightmare that day- like I ordered it off of a menu.
Years ago I had started ritual that I needed to get over my phobia of flying. It helped me— and now I feel that its come full circle because it once was a deep fear of death that caused my anxiety and now I have an peaceful acceptance of it.
On Sunday afternoon, I was sitting in my seat on a plane headed to see my aunt who was sick enough for me to be flying on mothers day so clearly I was scared and had death on my mind. I closed my eyes as the plane sped up for take off in Houston and the strangest thing happened. The way that it banked and the light shined into the cabin and onto my face as my eyes were closed seemed familiar. I had been close to my higher being before. This experience felt strangely similar in its peacefulness as the one I’d had in the O.R. last year when I nearly died from blood loss.
My takeoff ritual is to flashback to every amazing moment I can think of, as fast as I can. My parents when they were young, my brother and I playing marbles, the faces of old lovers, friends from childhood, my vw golf, my fathers hands in his shop, Kirk on our wedding day, my dogs, my cats, joes smile, sophies hugs, jacks eyes, the sound of their laughter and the images keep coming so fast once you ask them to - they are limitless…
Then the next moment I’m flying and fear has passed. My thought on Sunday was an epiphany of sorts as I realized that if God took me I was ready the same as I thought last year. I fight to stay here (you know I have) because I want MORE time with my loves but if I had to leave - wow- I’ve had so much beauty! We should strive for that peace. So as the warmth of the sun moved over my face I had nothing but joy and gratitude for a life already filled with all I have ever wanted.